Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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