Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
