Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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