You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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