thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize