i wish my penis had a tongue
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
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