Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Are these your boobs on my camera?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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