I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
