I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
