life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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