Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
