I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
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I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
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Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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