smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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