He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
