Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
