I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
