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Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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