wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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