I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
