Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
