She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I touched a dick in church today
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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