sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
