When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
