Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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