I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize