I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
