hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
