i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
