My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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