i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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