when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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