Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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