I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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