My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize