you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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