Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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