i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
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the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
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So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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