allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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