life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
dude. I can hear the air.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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