His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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