why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
