In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
that's an acceptable place to lick
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
