it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
