there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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