Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
