you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
