still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
so much tequila, so little girl.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
