So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
