Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
