he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
