he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My dick has a subreddit
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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