Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
