I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
