the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
