Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
it's like iHOP with fire
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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