Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
