wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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