there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
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We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
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Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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