VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
