Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
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