Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
someone owes me an orgasm
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There's always time for handjobs
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Randomize
